Morning sickness…. oh how I loathe you. You sure know how to ruin an appetite. You even know how to ruin the sight or smell of food. You can render me completely useless at all but the most menial of tasks.
So you can blame morning sickness for my lack of a WIAW post. Because today it would be more like “What I didn’t eat Wednesday.”
Since I’d rather not think about food, I think it’s a good idea to reevaluate my recovery progress given the fact that the game has changed a great deal. It’s been roughly 2 months since I made the decision to completely rid myself of restrictive and disordered eating and finally heal the damage it has caused to my body. One of the major components of this was for my fertility to return, and that has happened far quicker than I could possibly imagined (and for that I am so so thankful!)
Tomorrow I will be 6 weeks pregnant, and so much has changed for me in the 2 short weeks that I have known about it. My good old friend morning sickness decided to hit me like a freight train the day after Easter. I have had perpetual nausea since then, though the severity seems to go up and down throughout the day. But in general, mornings are awful and late in the evening is pretty bad too. I had it pretty bad with my last pregnancy too, all the way up until 20 weeks. It seems to have hit me earlier this time around, so hopefully it will end sooner as well?? (Please?!)
Another thing that MS is capable of is effectively ridding me of any desire to restrict food whatsoever. It is so hard to get even a small meal down. My mindset has completely switched over to “you need to eat as much as you can to nourish this baby!” Of course, easier said than done. Lucky for me, this isn’t my first rodeo, so I have a few tricks up my sleeve to help.
- Eating in bed before waking up. A few crackers and sips of juice. Take about 20 minutes to digest the little snack before even attempting to get up. Unfortunately this means getting up before the toddler does, but it’s worth it.
- Not letting my stomach ever be completely empty. Sips of juice or even soda (grape soda and ginger ale are best for me) throughout the day can be helpful.
- Eating what sounds good in the moment or what I think I can tolerate. Sometimes that means going out of my way to get what I want. Sometimes that means going to get food elsewhere despite the fact that you had a homemade meal planned for the evening. Sometimes that means making flippin biscuits from scratch because you literally don’t think you can choke down any other breakfast foods in the house <– helloo, that was my Monday morning!
- Doing what you can to avoid smells or foods that may trigger MS. Sometimes that means cooking food that has a less pronounced smell or flavor. Sometimes that means buying already cooked food. Sometimes that means asking your husband to cook (gasp!) while you lay in bed upstairs with your toddler doing kamikaze jumps off the bed frame.
So right now, my goal is to do what I can to maintain my weight or gain a few pounds if I can. Since the day I felt myself ovulate, my weight was stable at 148 for several weeks. My weight seemed to redistribute during that time from my tummy to my legs and butt and even my arms. My arms are so much thicker! They look like they did when I was in high school (pre-ED). But there’s a fair amount of muscle under there so it’s cool. I definitely don’t have defined ab muscles, but my stomach has flattened out considerably. (That ain’t gonna last long!) And my butt has outgrown the vast majority of my pants. I even have a pair of maternity shorts that are too small! Crazy.
The thing I’m starting to worry about now is that I might actually lose weight instead of gain during the first trimester. It is normal in singleton pregnancies to gain 0-5 pounds in the first trimester. I have done my best to eat what I can when I can over the past 3 days, but I have already lost 1 lb. I am hoping that this is just due to being less hydrated than usual rather than true fat loss. I know that it is usually harmless to lose weight in the beginning as long as you make up for it later, but I’m really worried given the fact that I just managed to hit my healthy weight before becoming pregnant. Is it possible to ever NOT worry about the baby? Sheesh. Fortunately, MS is a good sign of a healthy, thriving fetus so at least there’s that. I also have my first appointment on Tuesday with my midwife, so she will be able to answer all my questions. She is wonderful.
So yes, the game has changed quite a bit. But in a way it is still the same. I’m still trying to gain weight. It’s just that before, I had mental roadblocks to weight gain. Now the obstacles are all purely physical. The stakes have changed too, though. Before it was just my own health I was concerned with. Now, I have to do what’s healthy for both baby and me.
For now, I can be at ease with the fact that I probably won’t have to deal with ED related thoughts until after the baby is born. Hopefully this time around, I can do things better. I have learned a lot!
Oh! Almost forgot! Happiest of happy birthdays to my wonderful husband, who is already doing an awesome job of helping with the things I’m unable to do. I am so grateful and so lucky!