Recovery or Not, Greasy Hashbrowns are Gross.

Six solid weeks have passed since I embarked on my total recovery journey, but it feels like just yesterday.  Though I have seen significant progress, especially when it comes to weight gain and calories eaten, some things happened this week that made me realize that my mental journey is far from over.  Let me explain.

I woke up and had a smallish breakfast around 7:30 – a yogurt bowl.  I knew that we would likely be meeting friends out for brunch, but there was no way I was gonna make it that long without eating.  I ended up eating my brunch around 10:30-10:45ish.  The problem was that we went to a really greasy restaurant that has very little options to choose from. It is seriously the last place I would have chosen, but that was what the group of about 10 or so wanted to do.  I wasn’t going to just sit there and starve, so I did the best I could by ordering an omelette with ham, tomato, onion, and cheddar with a side of hashbrowns and toast (no substitutions available on the sides unfortunately).

But after brunch, I felt miserably sick.  I kept burping up the greasy hashbrowns, and I was in a FOUL mood.  And that mood continued for the next 3 hours or so until my stomach started feeling better.  I was just so mad at myself because it’s like I KNEW that was going to happen.  And then I started thinking, “If I wasn’t expecting to feel sick and miserable, would I still feel sick and miserable?  How much of this is all in my head?”  As I laid there, I had to pick through my thoughts and identify what is “normal” and what is “disordered.”

Disordered Thoughts:

  • I should only have a small breakfast since I already ate something this morning.
  • I shouldn’t be hungry right now.  Am I really hungry?
  • I can’t eat that.  It will make me feel sick.
  • I am not going to enjoy this breakfast because the food doesn’t meet my standards.

Normal Thoughts

  • I don’t like greasy hashbrowns.  They don’t taste great, and I’d rather not eat them.
  • I will order what sounds good at this particular moment.
  • I will make the best of this moment to enjoy spending time with friends.

I was having an internal battle between these opposing thought, and unfortunately, I feel like the disordered ones won out this time.  The important thing is that I have learned something from this.  If I had been presented with the situation again, I would know what to do.  And I would definitely not let it affect the rest of my day.

The only thing I still don’t understand is why did I feel sick in the first place?  Is it mental?  Or did it actually make me feel sick?  Is it that my GI system is just not able to handle the fat load after years of restriction?  When I am fully recovered, will I be able to eat greasy hashbrowns without feeling sick?

But that isn’t the point, really.  The point is that sometimes I feel like I am trying too hard to “prove” to myself that I am recovering.  That I can face those greasy hashbrowns without looking back.  But what it all boils down to is that I really just didn’t want the dang hasbrowns.  I’ve never really cared for them, ED or not.  Recovery looks different for everyone, and just because I’d rather turn down one junk food doesn’t mean I’m inviting ED back into my life.  I wholeheartedly believe that unrestricted eating is crucial to full recovery.  But I also believe that eating healthy foods is the best way to nourish your body.

So next time I feel the pressure to stick it to my ED by eating a junk food, I need to stop and remind myself that I don’t need to prove anything to anybody… not even myself!  I am trying to HEAL by eating what my body wants at any given time.  I know that some people like to see recovery as a battle.  But for me, it is not a battle.  It is a spiritual journey of healing and self love.  Yes, there are some days I feel powerful and strong, but there are also days where I need Christ to hold my hand every step of the way.  Remember, we are all trying to get to the same place [recovery], but not everyone takes the same path or goes at the same pace.

No questions today, but I’d love to hear your thoughts!

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9 thoughts on “Recovery or Not, Greasy Hashbrowns are Gross.

  1. Listen to what your heart says and go by that.
    I am by no means a fan of greasy food. It makes me feel all nasty and it really affects my stomach.
    You’re a strong woman. Never forget that. ❤

  2. I can relate to this kind of experience. With me only, my brunch of choice was some kind of dessert that sent me crashing due to being unable to handle the sugar rush. And then that “why did I eat it?” tirade. But you know what? We ate it…we felt less-than splendid..we probably won’t go for the same thing again; in the end it doesn’t matter right – being just food and all. We don’t have to only eat that which makes us feel great all of the time. I think we should try our best to just move on no matter how hard it feels. You are totally right in that we don’t have to make a choice to prove anything to anyone! Take care Syd 🙂

    • Haha thankfully I seem to be quite strong when it comes to tremendous amounts of sugar 🙂 It’s the fatty/salty stuff that I seem to have issues with!

      You are right my dear! And to expand upon that, I don’t think we should let one experience with a certain food ruin that food for us. Maybe I would like the hashbrowns at another restaurant? Maybe the fryer oil was old and gross that day? I think the conclusion needs to be drawn that though I don’t care too much for hashbrowns, I can still eat them if I want, and they are not a BAD food.

  3. I’m proud of you for recognizing and distinguishing between disordered and non-disordered thoughts – that’s a huge part of the process! While unrestricted eating is part of the process, we don’t necessarily have to forcefeed ourselves food that we don’t like – we just have to draw the line between ‘fear food’ (foods that we like but are ‘afraid’ to eat) and foods that we legitimately do not care for. If you don’t like hashbrowns, well, now you know! I’m the same way with french fries – they’re not something I particularly like (there are a few exceptions though…like curly fries) so I don’t choose to order them 99.9% of the time, and that’s fine. Look at this as an experiment to figure out where your tastebuds really are!

    • It gets really hard to separate out the fear foods from the foods that straight up don’t agree with us. It is crazy how powerfully EDs can alter your perception of food. And you are right… this is a great opportunity to figure out what I really, honestly like. Thanks girl!

    • It is difficult to overcome that guilt mindset that seems to come along with EDs. When I don’t feel guilty, I know I’m starting to think straight 🙂

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