Just Tryin To Hang In There!

Hey guys!  Long time, no post huh?  I’m sure it’s no huge surprise that my horrible morning sickness is the culprit behind my absence.  I’ve had a couple people ask me if I’m still blogging, and I’ve honestly had to think about it.  I don’t want to quit blogging, but I really am not able to commit to it like I used to.  I also don’t feel like my content is going to “fit” the original purpose of my blog, which was a “journey of recovery from restrictive and disordered eating.”

Of course, we all know that ED recovery is a seemingly never-ending journey.  It something that may disappear for quite some time, until some event in your life causes those old patterns of thinking and behavior to creep back in without you noticing.  I have no doubt that I will eventually have to face those behaviors again in my life.  But right now, there isn’t the slightest trace of ED ideation in my head.  I am basically in survival mode here – I am doing everything I can in my power to get (and keep!) ANY food down whatsoever.

I know that many a few people read this blog as a source of inspiration, motivation, or support through their own recovery.  And I hope that in the future, I can continue to be that source.  But for now, it’s just going to be about me trying to stay as healthy as possible throughout this pregnancy.  I also feel like I’m not being a very good blog friend by not reading and commenting as I normally do.  No offense at all people, but most of the blogs in my reader are full of yummy food pictures.  I just can’t look at it anymore guys.  The smell or sight of foods that don’t sit right with me at the moment are enough to send me running for the bathroom.  So nothing personal, but I’m probably going to limit my blog reading to those rare instances (like now!  hooray!) when I feel a least a little bit okay.

Still friends???  Gah I promise I will be back eventually!

So it’s also obvious then that my posts will be fewer and farther between.  So since I don’t know when I’ll be back, I’ll go ahead and give you a little update on how things are going.

We had our first appointment with my midwife yesterday.  Everything looks good – we even got to do an early ultrasound and hear the teeny little baby’s heartbeat.  Yes!  There is a heartbeat at 6.5 weeks!  Even though he’s pretty much just a little bean at this point.

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I was also right on the money with my prediction about when I ovulated.  Due date is officially December 18th… 1 week before Christmas!  The ultrasound tech was able to confirm which ovary the egg came from… the left.  So crazy because I totally felt it on the left side!  It blows my mind how it’s like I just knew exactly what was going on this time, when last time I was just like “HOW ON EARTH COULD THIS POSSIBLY HAVE HAPPENED!?!?!?!”

Anyways, we are holding off on bloodwork until next visit on June 2nd.  For now, we just got my baseline weight, blood pressure, etc.  Unfortunately, the weight is still dropping slowly.  Fortunately, it is not dangerous to lose weight in the first trimester (unless it is drastic of course!)  As long as I can get SOME food down, take my vitamins, and stay hydrated, I have no need to worry.  We also decided to hold off on taking nausea medications for as long as possible.  I am going to do my best to make it through the first trimester.  I am quite adamant about natural pregnancy and birth, so I’ll have to be pretty desperate before I resort to Zofran.  I took it in the second trimester last pregnancy up until about week 20.  I had already lost my job, and was afraid I’d lose my new one if I didn’t do something about the morning sickness.  Thankfully it did the trick!

So that’s all for now.  Til next time, I’ll just try & hang in there!

Morning Sickness, We Meet Again Old Friend… (Recovery Progress Check)

Morning sickness…. oh how I loathe you.  You sure know how to ruin an appetite.  You even know how to ruin the sight or smell of food.  You can render me completely useless at all but the most menial of tasks.

So you can blame morning sickness for my lack of a WIAW post.  Because today it would be more like “What I didn’t eat Wednesday.”

Since I’d rather not think about food, I think it’s a good idea to reevaluate my recovery progress given the fact that the game has changed a great deal.  It’s been roughly 2 months since I made the decision to completely rid myself of restrictive and disordered eating and finally heal the damage it has caused to my body.  One of the major components of this was for my fertility to return, and that has happened far quicker than I could possibly imagined (and for that I am so so thankful!)

Tomorrow I will be 6 weeks pregnant, and so much has changed for me in the 2 short weeks that I have known about it.  My good old friend morning sickness decided to hit me like a freight train the day after Easter.  I have had perpetual nausea since then, though the severity seems to go up and down throughout the day.  But in general, mornings are awful and late in the evening is pretty bad too.  I had it pretty bad with my last pregnancy too, all the way up until 20 weeks.  It seems to have hit me earlier this time around, so hopefully it will end sooner as well?? (Please?!)

Another thing that MS is capable of is effectively ridding me of any desire to restrict food whatsoever.  It is so hard to get even a small meal down.  My mindset has completely switched over to “you need to eat as much as you can to nourish this baby!”  Of course, easier said than done.  Lucky for me, this isn’t my first rodeo, so I have a few tricks up my sleeve to help.

  • Eating in bed before waking up.  A few crackers and sips of juice.  Take about 20 minutes to digest the little snack before even attempting to get up.  Unfortunately this means getting up before the toddler does, but it’s worth it.
  • Not letting my stomach ever be completely empty.  Sips of juice or even soda (grape soda and ginger ale are best for me) throughout the day can be helpful.
  • Eating what sounds good in the moment or what I think I can tolerate.  Sometimes that means going out of my way to get what I want.  Sometimes that means going to get food elsewhere despite the fact that you had a homemade meal planned for the evening.  Sometimes that means making flippin biscuits from scratch because you literally don’t think you can choke down any other breakfast foods in the house <– helloo, that was my Monday morning!
  • Doing what you can to avoid smells or foods that may trigger MS.  Sometimes that means cooking food that has a less pronounced smell or flavor.  Sometimes that means buying already cooked food.  Sometimes that means asking your husband to cook (gasp!) while you lay in bed upstairs with your toddler doing kamikaze jumps off the bed frame.

So right now, my goal is to do what I can to maintain my weight or gain a few pounds if I can.  Since the day I felt myself ovulate, my weight was stable at 148 for several weeks.  My weight seemed to redistribute during that time from my tummy to my legs and butt and even my arms.  My arms are so much thicker!  They look like they did when I was in high school (pre-ED). But there’s a fair amount of muscle under there so it’s cool.  I definitely don’t have defined ab muscles, but my stomach has flattened out considerably.  (That ain’t gonna last long!)  And my butt has outgrown the vast majority of my pants.  I even have a pair of maternity shorts that are too small!  Crazy.

The thing I’m starting to worry about now is that I might actually lose weight instead of gain during the first trimester.  It is normal in singleton pregnancies to gain 0-5 pounds in the first trimester.  I have done my best to eat what I can when I can over the past 3 days, but I have already lost 1 lb.  I am hoping that this is just due to being less hydrated than usual rather than true fat loss.  I know that it is usually harmless to lose weight in the beginning as long as you make up for it later, but I’m really worried given the fact that I just managed to hit my healthy weight before becoming pregnant.  Is it possible to ever NOT worry about the baby?  Sheesh.  Fortunately, MS is a good sign of a healthy, thriving fetus so at least there’s that.  I also have my first appointment on Tuesday with my midwife, so she will be able to answer all my questions.  She is wonderful.

So yes, the game has changed quite a bit.  But in a way it is still the same.  I’m still trying to gain weight.  It’s just that before, I had mental roadblocks to weight gain.  Now the obstacles are all purely physical.  The stakes have changed too, though.  Before it was just my own health I was concerned with.  Now, I have to do what’s healthy for both baby and me.

For now, I can be at ease with the fact that I probably won’t have to deal with ED related thoughts until after the baby is born.  Hopefully this time around, I can do things better.  I have learned a lot!

Oh!  Almost forgot!  Happiest of happy birthdays to my wonderful husband, who is already doing an awesome job of helping with the things I’m unable to do.  I am so grateful and so lucky!

Five Things (Good) Friday

Hope everyone is having a spectacular Good Friday!  I know many people who are off work today, but sadly the husband is still working and I actually had to run some errands at the school this morning.  Nevertheless, I am excited about the upcoming Easter weekend!

5 Things I’m Doing This Weekend:

  1. Trying to convince one of my parents to come and visit.  It’s a long shot, but worth a try!
  2. Instead of a fancy Easter dinner, we’re going to have a huge braai (or is it braii? haha not sure – but it’s basically a barbeque or cookout) at another South African friend’s house.  We knew some people who just moved across the country who owned a restaurant and a farm here in town.  So they just left behind a ton of meat in the freezer which is sure to be delicious.
  3. Easter church service.  We’re gonna try and recruit friends to go with us this time.  The Easter service is always spectacular.  I’ll also be volunteering in the nursery this weekend!  Yay for babies 🙂
  4. Trying to scout out some baby heirloom tomato plants.  It’s kindof getting too late to start from seeds, so we’re looking for transplants.  I really want heirlooms though and they are not easy to find!
  5. Finishing the master bathroom.  Blech.  Not a fun job, but it needs to be done!

5 Things I’ve Eaten Lately:

  1. Wraps of all kinds!  It’s my new go-to lunch these days.  April 005 (2)
  2. Black bean fajita casserole.  Original recipe that I plan on posting!  Stay tuned 🙂  April 004
  3. Nutella hot chocolate cake.  Some friends invited us out to dinner but we had already eaten so we decided to stop by for dessert.  It did not disappoint.
  4. Grapes.  Perhaps this is a pregnancy craving.  I love fruit, but grapes have never been at the top of my list.  Interestingly enough, the 2 most common pregnancy cravings are ice cream and fruit!
  5. Mango salsa strikes again!  I can’t get enough of this stuff.  I promise there is a big piece of salmon hidden under the mountain of salsa!  April 001

5 Things I’ve Pinned:

  1. Awesome leggings!  Women leggings, Flower Leggings, Colorful Leggings, Yoga Leggings, Pattern Leggings, flowers  Leggings, tribal leggings, aztec leggings
  2. Asparagus & Ricotta Pizza.  Shaved Asparagus and Ricotta Pizza by justataste   #Pizza #Asparagus
  3. Chocolate Cream Pie.  Chocolate Cream Pie is an easy homemade custard dessert
  4. Nectarine and Burrata Bite Crostini.  So fancy.  Nectarine and Wisconsin Burrata Bite Crostini with a sugared gremolata is perfectly sweet and tangy over creamy cheese
  5. This swimsuit!  Love the crossover top and the print on the bottom!  Want.  L*Space 'Wild & Free Black' Bikini | Orchid Boutique.

 

5 Glamorous Things About Parenting A Toddler:

  1. Boogers/snot smeared on your chest.  They will avoid the tissue at all costs, but can’t wait to get a good wipe in on your clean shirt.
  2. Beans are yummy, but not easily digested by a toddler.  That was not a fun diaper.
  3. Digging in dirt happens every. single. time. they go outside.  Black fingernails are gross.
  4. They giggle at their own farts.
  5. They dig things out of the trash can because surely this is just a giant stinky toy box.  (I think it’s time for a baby-proof trashcan!)

Have a glorious Easter weekend!

Pregnancy Update – 5 Weeks

How Far Along? 5 weeks – this is my estimated calculation based off when I felt myself ovulate.

Symptoms: Bigger boobies!  Good riddance, A-cups! 😉 They’re also a little bit sore.  Maybe tiny little hints of nausea here and there, but I’m hoping it’s just all in my head.  Also, fatigue.  So tired.  I need rest breaks like all the time.  So much different when you have a toddler to chase after!

Total Weight Gain/Loss:  Nada.  Once I ovulated my weight finally stabilized.  It has been the same the past 3 weeks or so.  Only a matter of time before it starts going up up up!  My BMI is now 21.5.  It was 19.3 the last time I got pregnant!  But my body has obviously let me know that it can’t sustain all it’s biological functions on that level of body fat!

Sleep: I actually seem to be sleeping better, as long as I can manage to turn my brain off at night.  I sometimes have to pee twice in the middle of the night, but that is not totally unusual for me anyway.  The nice thing is that I’ve been able to fall back asleep faster.  I’ve also had some crazy weird dreams.

Food Cravings: Fruit.  And fruit juice or fizzy fruit drinks.  I’ve started wanting fruit for dessert <– not normal!  I’ve always been a chocolate, cake, & cookies type of girl.

Food Aversions:  None really.

Best Moment This Week: I guess telling my family about it.  Last time I hid it from them until 8 weeks and secrets secrets are no fun.  Also announcing it on the blog 🙂

Movement: None.  The baby is the size of a grain of rice, y’all.

Labor Signs:  Absolutely not.

Gender: Way too early to tell.  We want a boy.  We wanted a boy last time too.  But now that I have a girl, I know how awesome and adorable they can be, so it’s not like I’m gonna be disappointed if that’s how it goes.

Belly Button In Or Out? In.  Stay innnnn please.

What I Miss: This is strange, but lunch meat deli sandwiches.  You can’t have luncheon meats when your pregnant because of the risk of listeria. Laaaaammmmeee.  I’m just really lazy and don’t want to cook chicken for my sandwiches/wraps.

What I Am Looking Forward To: First midwife appointment… she will be so excited!  They may or may not do an ultrasound to determine the gestational age, but I doubt it since I’m fairly certain I know when I ovulated.

What’s Different From Last Time?  Well last time I was in a glass cage of emotion about it (it was unplanned and we weren’t married yet).  They also suspected a miscarriage, so I remember them taking blood samples 2 days apart to check to make sure my hcg levels were rising appropriately.  Those two days were terrible!  Glad I don’t have all the anxiety this time.

Last Words of Wisdom:  I am so thankful that I decided to gain weight, eat more, and exercise less.  It obviously works.  I may be softer and heavier now, but gosh darn it I am fertile and I am happy.  Who knows how long it would’ve taken had I kept doing what I was doing before?

Belly Pics!

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Haha apologies for the dirty bathroom counter and mirror.  We’ve been renovating the other upstairs bathroom, so this one has fallen to the wayside.  I also look tired as crap.  I like to take belly pics first thing in the morning because A.) the baby is still in her bed and she won’t beg for the phone B.) I won’t forget and C.) my belly is usually not bloated in the morning.  I’d like to see my actual pregnancy developing, not just a pseudo-bloat baby.

Does you stomach tend to be flatter in the morning too?

Do you feel like your hormones influence your food cravings?

 

WIAW – Highlights From the Week

Good morning!  I don’t know how the weather is where you all are… but this morning I woke up to THIS.

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Yesterday it was 81.  Eighty friggin one to snow in a matter of 12 hours.  Insanity.  Dear Kentucky weather – quit playin’ games with my heart.  My poor garden is freezing!  We were smart to cover the plants the best we could with sheets and tarps.  Let’s hope they make it!

For anyone who missed out on Monday’s post, you need to go back and read it NOW!  It’s not long, but it’s a big deal guys!  And y’all, seriously, thank you so so much from the bottom of my heart for all your kind words yesterday.  It is wonderful to have such support!

This week instead of giving a full day of eats, I decided to highlight some of my favorites from the week (well, at least the ones I remembered to photograph!)  Muchos gracias (did I even spell that right?) to the hostess with the mostest, Jenn!

 

A few weeks ago our old coffee grinder broke, and we finally got our new one in the mail.  Husband and I are ecstatic to have coffee back in our lives!  (Decaf for me of course!)  We have an espresso machine so you can’t use preground beans.  You grind them right before you use them and you have to use a finer grind setting.  You also have to use a good quality grinder that produces uniform-sized grinds.  Good coffee is complicated, but worth the hassle!

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I like to make a latte with 1 shot espresso and half almond milk, half whole milk.  I also use a drizzle of pure maple syrup to sweeten it.  The perfect balance!

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Now on the the food – let’s start with breakfast!

I made these delicious pancakes on our anniversary.  I smeared them with peanut butter then topped with a mixed berry chia seed compote and a sprinkle of cinnamon.  Best breakfast of the week!

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Yogurt bowls were present as always.  Mango is my favorite fruit to pair with yogurt.  Now if I just had some salted pistachios, then we’d really be talking!

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Also lots of eggs, toast, and watermelon!  Hooray for watermelon season!

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Lunches tend to be the most hectic around here, so I am no bueno at getting pictures.  But I did make another batch of my killer chicken salad, and this time consumed it in wrap form!  I know these flat-out wraps are not the most natural, but the texture is so perfect!  They are like tortilla cloud pillows that don’t tear!  Love.

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Mac N Cheese Crack & Cheese was also consumed for lunch this day.  Toddler favorite of course.

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Dinner time!  I got a beef roast on major sale.  Can’t remember what cut it was, but at $2.99/lb. I was goin for it.  I first let the roast marinate in red wine for about 6 hours.  I then rubbed it with salt, pepper, and a bunch of random herbs.  Next, I seared it on the stovetop, then roasted for about an hour, maybe a little more.  Can’t even remember the temperature.  I’m a failure at recipes.  But it turned out good nonetheless!

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Served with green beans and mashed potatoes.  I didn’t have butter or milk so I used cream cheese –> brilliant idea!  P.S. NEVER use russets for mashed taters.  Those are for baking.  Get yourself some yukon golds!

Another simple, but delicious dinner was these paninis!  Pesto mayo, spinach, tomatoes, and fresh mozzarella on potato bread.  Though I would definitely recommend something like ciabatta or sourdough for paninis.  Potato bread is much too soft!

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We had such a good time during our anniversary dinner out that I didn’t even pull my phone out once!  We obviously had lots of good things to talk about after what I announced Monday!  But yes sadly, no pictures of the fancy dinner.  There are more important things.

Oh yeah and disclaimer – just because I didn’t post any dessert pictures doesn’t mean I didn’t have any ;).  I mean come on, obviously there was chocolate.  But to me eating chocolate is basically like breathing oxygen… it happens without thinking!

 

How do you like your coffee?

Sandwiches or wraps?

Favorite childhood food?

 

 

Why it’s probably going to take a reeaalllyy long time for me to get my period back…

As you can probably tell from the title of this post, this contains some girly content, so guys beware!  But it is definitely one of the most important posts I’ve ever written so I encourage you to read it!

I’m sure it’s no secret to you all that one of my big reasons for choosing recovery was to regain my natural menstrual cycle, which hasn’t ever been regular or normal to my knowledge (and hasn’t been present at all for like 2.5 years!).  I saw my midwife earlier this year, who suspected hypothalmic amenorrhea, but we decided to hold off on blood tests and give it some time to come back on its own.  I came to the realization that my diet and exercise habits were negatively affecting my fertility, and have made some serious changes over the past 2 months to get things back in order.

Let’s just say that some things have happened lately that have made me realize that it is going to take me far longer than suspected to get my period back.

If you remember a couple weeks back, I had some abdominal pains that I was almost certain were ovulation pains. (Yes I was diagnosed by google… we’ve all done it right??)  So I was anxiously awaiting the arrival of a monthly visitor sometime last week.  But the days came and went, and sadly, no period.

I was so disappointed, and so confused guys.  But then out of the blue, it just hit me… well maybe, JUST MAYBE, I managed to conceive on my very first cycle.  As I was taking the pregnancy test, I felt silly because I just knew it was such a long shot.  So you can bet my jaw dropped to the floor when two pink lines appeared on the test strip.  That’s right, friends… I AM PREGNANT!! 🙂

And that is just freaking marvelous.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am absolutely over the moon about it!  Never in my dreams did I think it would happen this quickly.  Of course, it is still very early in the pregnancy (4-5 weeks now), but I just didn’t feel like trying to hide it for another month!

I was afraid to post this because I’m sure there’s people out there who would see conceiving a child while still recovering from disordered eating as a selfish thing to do.  But then I thought to myself, how many pregnancies (including my first!) were not even planned at all?  How many people become pregnant while dealing with mental illness, or while being a smoker, or while financially unstable?  And who are we to say that those people should not have children?  There is no one factor that can determine what kind of parent a person will be.  Obviously my body has showed some degree of readiness to bear a child, and I know in my heart that I am emotionally capable of another pregnancy.

BUT, with that being said… it will be ever so important that I am giving my body everything it needs so that the baby is well nourished.  I plan to do another post going into the whole pregnancy body image/ED recovery-related stuff, but for now I just had to get this big announcement out there!  I am so so so happy!!!

Can’t wait to share this journey with the blog world!  And thank you to all my readers for being so patient!

 

 

A Short & Sweet Five Things Friday

Hello friends!  I am actually quite thankful for this lovely rainy Friday we are having here.  You heard me, I am happy it is raining… you see, now I don’t have to water all the plants.  Yep, gardener problems!

P.S. I can’t help it… I made my husband take a picture of me holding up the enormous tree that I chopped down by hand!  I also sawed of every. single. branch.  I am pretty much going to brag about this incredible feat of strength for the rest of my life.Image

So let’s just get on with the 5 Little Gems of Randomness In My Head:

  1. I feel like I have been neglecting the blog world a little bit this week.  This was just an especially crazy week at our house!  I have been reading everyone’s posts but haven’t really been commenting as much as usual.  I’ve actually read some really lovely posts lately and wish I wasn’t so busy!  Ah well, it happens.
  2. Much of the aforementioned craziness was associated with my swim team’s end of year banquet last night.  I had such a great time seeing all my kids again, and I can’t tell you how proud I am of them!  Ugh I am going to miss my seniors so so much!  My speech also didn’t go as terribly as planned – I am a rambler, so coherent speeches are not my cup of tea!  Everyone said I did great, but maybe they were just being nice ;). 
  3. Yesterday was my first wedding anniversary.  Since the banquet was on the same night, we are going to celebrate tonight by going to a restaurant downtown, Cole’s 735 Main.  Seriously, this menu is to die for!  I’ve got my eyes on: the baked brie, warm brussels sprout and bacon salad, shrimp & grits, and Moroccan butternut squash stew.  How on Earth will I decide???
  4. You know you spend a lot of money on food when… people at a very large grocery store know you and your daughter by name.  Also, when they give your kid free food so that she won’t be frustrated riding in the shopping cart.  Today, the produce manager gave her a banana and the cheese guy cut her a  wedge of Amish cheddar to nibble on.  I must be the Kroger VIP or something.
  5. I am in the process of working on a very important post.  It is a deep one that is difficult for me to write about.  I’m a little nervous about the feedback I’ll receive from it, but it feels like the right thing to do.  Plus, deep down, I personally feel like I WANT to share it.  I hope to get it up early next week, but I can’t make any promises!

Thanks to miss Clare for hosting our 5 Things Friday Linkup!

Are you good at giving speeches?

If you are married/in a relationship, where did you go for your last anniversary dinner?  What did you have to eat?  If you’re single, then what would you most want to have?

Umm… help me pick something from the Cole’s menu!