The theme for this week: healthy distractions! I’ve been so distracted by positive things, that it has left little room for negative body image thoughts to creep into my mind. Okay, so the whole week hasn’t been that way. (Ahem, this post last week…) But things have definitely made a change for the better since my little mental breakdown on Wednesday.
I know my weight now. I was scared it would send me straight back into relapse but I actually feel stronger now that I have looked at that number on the scale and allowed myself to come to terms with it. I gained more weight than I had thought, but I have concluded that it doesn’t matter. I need to free myself from the emotion that goes along with my weight. It is an objective measurement of my gravitational pull to the earth. It is not a definition of my self-worth in any way, shape, or form. I really feel like I have conquered something here.
I sold $122 worth of too-small clothes on eBay. I went shopping yesterday and bought some clearance stuff from the Limited. (I know, I feel so old shopping there!) But the more mature styles really do suit my body better now. It’s really not my personal “style” but I feel comfortable and I don’t freak out about my muffin top showing. I bought a pair of mint green jeans (originally $89) and this boat neck top (originally $49) for $24 each! They complement eachother well.
Hunger & Satiety:
Extreme hunger is mostly gone. I eat three square meals a day with snacks between most of them (sometimes not between breakfast and lunch). I always have a bedtime snack or dessert.
I have not been waking up in the middle of the night to hunger pangs, but I do sometimes feel a bit hungry if I wake up for some other reason. I usually am tired enough to just go back to sleep, but it is comforting knowing that I am completely entitled to eat in the middle of the night if I feel like it.
I have not been counting calories. I just really don’t want to put the effort into it. I don’t want to be constantly second guessing myself and wondering if I could or should eat this, that, etc. I’m fairly certain that I am still eating to minimums. My hunger cues are there. Hopefully that means my metabolism is going back to normal?
Digestive woes are still present but less severe. Bloating incidences have been fewer and farther between. It is to the point where it is uncomfortable, but not painful.
Aside from Wednesday, I’ve been feeling good! No crying, no self-hatred, and only brief flashes of “I want to turn back” ideation (which I can quickly and easily fight off!). Several factors have helped in this area. First, reading 7 Habits, and second, reading daily devotionals and the bible. I’ve spent more time in prayer than usual and The Lord has graciously extended his strength and courage to me.
I’ve also had lots of (wonderful) things to distract me. Being around my family and not having to be in charge of meal/food decisions has definitely helped. I’ve also been reading Divergent nonstop. I am so sucked in to the story that it’s given my mind a rest from the constant ED/recovery turmoil.
I’m excited about the progress I’ve made this past week – things are definitely looking up!