Short answer – it’s triggering.
I know – the whole “What I Ate Wednesday” concept is cool. I get that. I like food. I like pictures of food. But it’s just far too easy to fall into the comparison trap.
I look at others’ eats and think about how it was healthier than mine. Or how someone showed all their eats for one day (yes, I know they could easily be omitting stuff..) and it was so so so much less than what I ate. Or someone laments over how bad they feel for eating two pieces of chocolate in one day… meanwhile I’ve had half a bag of chocolate-covered pretzels and an ice cream sandwich (and it’s only 1:00).
If I were to post exactly what I ate today, I would feel gluttonous, unhealthy, weak, and to be 100% honest… fat. It’s getting so incredibly hard for me to stick to the MinnieMaud guidelines these past few days. Now that the weight gain is visible and real, it is so much harder to just give in to my hunger and desires. I want to stop. I want to eat healthy again. I want to go running.
You see, over the past 5 years or so, I have made “healthy living” (a.k.a. dieting and exercising) part of my IDENTITY. It became part of who I AM. It was far more than just a hobby or interest. Heck, I wanted nothing more than to make a career out of it. It became internalized – part of my core value system. It is extraordinarily difficult to knowingly violate one’s own core values. I am working hard to define a new set of values for myself – but man it is not easy.
Sometimes I feel like I’m doing something I don’t truly believe in – like this isn’t going to work. Like I’ll just keep eating and eating until I’m huge – yet I still won’t be happy, I’ll still obsess over food, and I’ll still be infertile. Good thing I have read research and testimonials that prove otherwise, or else I’d have jumped off this “recovery” bandwagon this past weekend. I am giving this a real shot and am seeking God’s guidance on a daily basis. I do not have the strength to see this through, but He does. Right now, I am putting it all in His hands.