Well… it has officially been 2 weeks since the start of my recovery! I think it is important to take time to reflect on my progress in the process. It’s helpful in that it helps me identify problems and obstacles and gives me time to think of solutions. It is also motivating and empowering to see how far I’ve come and how my life is changing for the better.
My theme for the past 2 weeks – pretty much just struggle-bussing my way through it.
How I’m Feeling Physically
A lot of the soreness and exhaustion has started to dwindle. Last week I had some truly epic upper back pain (which is weird because all my back injuries in the past have been lower back!). Like it was bad enough to keep me awake at night. Thankfully I have recovered. It is still amazing how sore and tired I’ve been after zero exercise. I really hope that this is a sign of healing! I am still having some trouble with digestion… some cramping and bloating. I had a few episodes of extreme painful bloating again – so miserable! When will this end?? I’m sick of wearing baggy clothes to hide the belly!!
Hunger & Satiety
I’d say my “extreme hunger” is starting to go away. The first week it was rather persistent, and now it seems to come and go. For instance I’ll have a normal appetite all day, but then I’m just never full after dinner… I just keep eating until I go to bed and then will have to get back up out of bed to eat more! Maybe I should try eating more during the day, even when I’m not hungry. I’ve been craving rich foods, but not particularly sweet foods. Weird… I’ve always had a sweet tooth!
I haven’t ever felt “out of control” as many people do when they first start following the MinnieMaud guidelines, but deep down I sometimes feel like I’m eating more than I should or more than I need. I haven’t been counting calories but I am definitely in the ballpark of what is recommended.
I also have to admit that I sometime miss that feeling of emptiness. I don’t understand it, but there has been a few times where I don’t want to eat and I want to feel that hunger. These are probably feelings that I need to fight!
How I’m Feeling Emotionally
Ugh emotional basketcase would be an understatement you guys. I feel so bad for my husband – he’s put up with some major crap this week! I’m not even kidding when I say I was up all night on Tuesday crying my eyes out because I thought my husband hated me. Completely false. I blew something he said way out of proportion and then assumed he was angry at me when really he was just stressed at work.
I also hung out with an old friend who I used to swim with. She is so tiny – she’s lost a ton of weight since she quit swimming. It was hard not to stare at her thigh gap the whole time (ugh embarrassing but true!). I couldn’t help but wonder if she is struggling with disordered eating too? I felt these confusing mixed emotions… I was jealous of her body but at the same time was concerned that something might be up.
I have not weighed myself in two weeks!! I therefore do not know my weight or BMI, but I do know that I have gained weight. A good guess would be 6-8 pounds. I can’t wear my pants anymore. I’m pretty much confined to yoga pants at this point. Incidentally, the idea of dressing nice has been more appealing to me lately; perhaps I am just looking for a confidence booster – a way to make myself feel beautiful.
I set aside a small amount of money in the budget this month for new clothes. I bought a pair of crops and a shirt. I went up one size in the crops and debated going up another size for more potential weight gain. But I am secretly hoping that I don’t gain *that* much. Plus, the pants are uber stretchy and are meant to fit tight. The most difficult part of the whole experience was the fact that I had to accept that I can no longer wear the styles that I used to… it just doesn’t suit my body anymore. I feel much more comfortable in more “mature” and modest clothes now.
I have also noticed the development of cellulite in various places. I know I’ve always had a tendency to get it around by butt and outer thighs, but I have it in my stomach! Yeah I’ve gained weight, but I’m still technically considered the low end of normal… how is it possible that I have cellulite on my stomach?? Will this go away once I am fully recovered? I am super nervous about wearing a bikini in May…
I still feel kind of socially withdrawn. I still want lots of alone time (and by alone time I mean mommy & toddler time!). Social situations still create a lot of anxiety for me – even when food isn’t involved. I guess I’m just not comfortable in my own skin and this is something I need to work on. However, I don’t think there is anything wrong with this social isolation. According to Stephen Covey in 7 Habits, private victories precede public victories – we must first become independent before we can become effectively interdependent. Right now I am still in the “dependent” stage… I am a work in progress, and that is okay!
As my ED began to consume my life, I began to lose interest in things I once loved. Right now the only thing that has caught my interest is fashion – mostly due to the fact that my body is changing and I am in need of new clothes! As much as I want to embrace and love my new body with clothes that flatter me, I don’t want to use fashion as a coping mechanism for weight gain. I don’t want to feel dependent on it. I want to feel just as beautiful naked as I do when I’m dressed my best!